Of The Crown, Prince Harry and Meghan

The nature of relationships

Before you get too excited this is not a post about my own relationship status, which itself is quite complicated (more about that in future blogs, ya’all have to keep reading to find out more 😊)

There is a Facebook group I am on about homemaking. It is primarily a ladies group which was initially about sharing interior deco design ideas but has now expanded to include other topics that concern women in general: marriage, relationships, health and the like. Not surprisingly the topics to do with marriage and relationships generate the most intense discussion judging by the number of comments and likes.

So, as much as the admins of the page try to bring forth positive stories, there are quite a number of unhappy people out there (sometimes it feels like we are living in relationship dystopia). I was struck by a post by an anonymous woman (obviously, only the happy ones post with their real names) who was so stressed by her very toxic relationship with the in-laws, especially the mother in law and sisters in law. Boy oh boy did she have a mouthful to say about how mean they have been to her. She all but told them to F off. That relationship is clearly affecting her mental health because she came off as highly stressed.

First of all, I sympathise with anonymous and many who are going through tumultuous relationships. I am no relationship expert but it can feel like nothing is as defeating and damaging to the self-esteem as a toxic relationship. You totally get lost and do not know who you are anymore as you try by all means to be the person that you think the other person wants you to be, only for the goal posts to be moved after you have accommodated the other party.

When I read the comments (I am a very loyal member of the Comment Readers Association) I always try and look for the comments that are different to the norm, because I like to see how different people think.  Naturally with such a post you see a lot of people saying things like ‘double likes!’, ‘triple likes!’ (for telling the in laws to go to hell) ‘In-laws need to give muroora space’ and of course those whose own in-laws are in the same group dare not concur, lest they ruffle the feathers. So they comment with the diplomatic ‘So sorry, our good Lord will not abandon you’. After reading a number of comments I raised an eyebrow when I saw one member challenging anonymous to examine herself. Sometimes there is truly nothing you can do right in someone’s eyes. That’s the nature of relationships.

Besides the exhortation for anonymous to examine herself there were one or two comments from ladies who are clearly enjoying relationships with their brothers’ wives and husband’s sisters. Somehow they figured out the formula and it’s working well for them.

From my own conversations with male friends and relatives I have never heard them talking about a toxic relationship with the in-laws as much as the women I have interacted with. Not to say men do not have such problems or have ‘bigger’ problems. It is merely based on my own observations. It makes me wonder, are we as women conditioned to be more sensitive to relationships? What is it in our upbringing that makes us repeat this cycle of antagonistic relationships with the in-laws? What can we as women do differently to change our thinking so that we break this cycle (if not for our generation, then maybe for the next one)? When I say I am a loyal member of the Comment Readers Association, I am truly looking for pearls of wisdom (ok, it’s Facebook, maybe I am hoping too much lol). I am looking for comments that radicalise our thinking about in-law relationships, show women how to take charge and ownership of their lives. Not everyone can afford a $20 book by a world famous relationship expert. Many are reading those comments and appropriating such to their own lives. Now if the comments are ‘double likes’ for sending the in-laws to hell, do we really expect the cycle to change?

I hope that, those who are writing, reading and commenting on such posts realise that, just as we sometimes log out of Facebook to take a break, we probably need to do the same with our relationships too. Take a step back, take some time to cool down and gain new perspective. Who knows, it might just be that small step needed to mend bridges. If it doesn’t, no big deal. We live to fight another day.